We all know the old adage “as easy as falling off a log.”

It may come as a surprise to learn that many people do not know just how to fall off one. Here are some simple instructions not only on log dismounting but also on how to break your fall by landing in a river.

First, you will need several siblings. For my first attempt, I had seven present. You will also need a long weekend or term break, cold, wet weather, two parents, and a dog.

Convince your parents that it would be a great opportunity to get to know your step siblings better if you went on a camping trip. If you encounter resistance, use your siblings and step siblings to help pester your parents. They will give in with time – trust me.

When packing for the camping trip, be sure to take no footwear other than the runners you are wearing to the campsite. This will be an important factor later.

On arrival at the campsite, pile out of your parents’ minivan. Ignoring all calls and orders from said parents, run off to explore the campsite and surrounding forest.

Whilst exploring, follow the sound of rushing water until you find the river. It is at this stage that the need to have your siblings present comes into play.

Having reached the riverbank, you and your siblings will need to locate the nearest log or fallen tree. It does not matter whether it crosses the river to the far bank or not, as long as there is water flowing beneath it.

After failing to determine the stability of your log, forget to check the grip of your footwear on slippery, moss covered wood.

The next two steps must occur in the proper sequence.

Have some, if not all of your siblings run down the river bank and out onto the log or fallen tree. If it crosses the river to the far bank, have them cross. If not, have them run – not walk – to the far end of the log, and back again.

You must ensure that none of your siblings falls off. After several repetitions of this step, you will be ready for the rest of your task.

Yell to your siblings not to fall off the log/tree and get wet.

Now, walk out onto the log yourself, being careful not to be cautious. At this stage of the procedure, you must make sure that you take complete notice of everything going on around you. You must not concentrate on what you are doing.

Having followed these steps, it should take five seconds before you plummet into the icy June water of the river.

Upon landing in the water, ensure that you are soaked through. This includes the runners you wore to the campsite. Hence the importance of not having packed other footwear.

To the laughter and amusement of your siblings, attempt to stand up in the river. Be sure to lose your footing at least once, resulting in further drenching.

Squelch back to the campsite, giving your parents the opportunity to admire your new skills. Not to mention laugh themselves stupid at your misfortune.

Remove your soggy runners and place them by the campfire, where they will take the rest of the long weekend to dry. At the end of the camping trip, place your now dry runner on your feet, help break camp, pile into the minivan, and go home.

At the end of the camping trip, place your now dry runner on your feet, help break camp, pile into the minivan, and go home.

You will now be able to fall off a log and into a river without any difficulty for the rest of your days.


Text & Image Copyright © 2017 Bronwyn Joy Hansen. All Rights Reserved.